Sam’s World

I have lied. I will not stop writing. I don’t think it’s possible for me to give up something like that. Writing is my one escape. I can’t give that up, but for now, I think I’ll take a break from blogging. I’ve got stuff to figure out, you know? And I don’t want to figure it out on a blog. I can’t hide behind written words anymore. I used to think my blog was the only place that I always told what was on my mind. But I don’t think it was. I think some of it was true, but I was always trying to make everything into a poem. And so it all came out a little dramatic. Even this seems… I don’t know…weird. like not something i would really do, or say. i was trying too hard to be someone..a writer i guess. =) but something that is true? i’ve always liked the name samantha better than rose.

I’m taking a break from blogging, from writing. I wish I could take a break from my school, my friends, my family. I wish I had a plane, so I could disappear in the clouds. I wish my life  had a script, so I could see when something unexpected was coming, so I could prepare myself for it. I wish things were simpler. I wish I wasn’t sad. I wish I wouldn’t cry so much. I wish I could be stronger. I wish I had someone, who could look in my eyes, and know exactly what to say. I wish I could leave this town. I wish it had been me instead of her.

This post has nothing to do with quiche other than the fact that is one of the words for this year’s spelling bee…which I get to participate in. *insert sarcastic tone* Lucky, lucky, lucky, me. *end sarcasm* That’s right. March 2nd, I will be spelling words that I don’t really care about. Whoot whoot. I mean, seriously, one of the words is wikiwiki. They put some weird words on the list. But at least that makes it more interesting, right? Maybe they put those words in so that no one falls asleep. Yes, I’m sure that’s it. =)

If nothing else, at least I’ll get to hang out with two of my friends that are in it. And, maybe I’ll get to skip some school. =)

Peace. p-e-a-c-e. Peace.
Sam

Twilight Parody

So this parody comes from some of my favorite youtube peoples….The Hillywood Show. I was super-excited when they said they were doing a Twilight parody..and I find it hilarious…but it’s a Friday, and I’m tired, and slightly sick, so I don’t know that my mind is completely in order..but it’s still entertaining. Enjoy.

Outside, snow is falling once again on my little hometown. Big, fat, feathery flakes of white are swirling down to the ground, where they then stick. If it’s cold enough tonight, everything tomorrow morning will be a slick sheet of ice. The sky is beautiful right now. It’s dark, but light. There is a hint of pink, and beige colors. It’s also sort of gray with snow. It’s the type of weather that makes you think Christmas music, and hot chocolate, and warm blankets. The smell of a fireplace, a vacation from school, and thousands of lights around town. Unfortunately, the time for that has passed, and we’ve moved on to pink paper hearts and love notes. Cupid and chick flicks. Flowers and chocolates. But for right now, the world is white.

Walking the streets here,

I have one fear here.

The fear of being

noticed,

of being recognized,

and pegged as

something I’m not.

I don’t want to pretend

that I’m a certain girl.

I don’t want to

be frozen

as this person.

I want to move on

without anyone caring.

I want to feel fine

and be able to break down.

I want to have that freedom back.

I should be getting ready to sleep..

I should be writing…

I should be studying for a math quiz…

I should be hopeful…

I should be not worrying about the coming days…

Instead I’m sitting here, listening to a band I’ve never heard of, and playing spider solitaire. Instead I’m feeling close to breaking again, and instead I’m just waiting for something to go wrong. Instead I’m worrying every single time one of us gets a cold. Instead I’m sitting up every single night, feeling empty. Instead I’m still crying.

I should be open to what people say, and I should want to be comforted. I should be really caring about the hard things my friends are going through.

Instead, I’m turning the comments off. Instead, I’m tired of hearing all the ’someday you’ll be fine’ and the ‘you’ll get through it’ and the ‘i feel your pain’. Instead of listening, I’ll turn it all off.

I thought deleting my last post, because I was just having a really depressing day, and I needed to vent. But then I thought, people should know that I’m not always okay, and that I’m tired of pretending that I am always okay. So I’m going to leave it up.

Kelly’s birthday is in exactly a week. The ninth.

I’ve been lying to myself for so long. Telling myself I was okay, I was healing, everything was fine. I told myself I’m happy. Pretended I was happy. And yet it was there, nibbling at my mind, and I ignored it by drowning myself with stupid things. I lied. I’m not healing. It’s as strong as ever, and I hate it. I hate everything about it. I hate this whole stupid world and all it’s lies.

I’m listening to Fall Out Boy’s newest CD..and it is so far awesome. The perfect remedy for everything that’s been going on with me right now. Ah, sweet music. -sigh-