Lies

Kelly’s birthday is in exactly a week. The ninth.

I’ve been lying to myself for so long. Telling myself I was okay, I was healing, everything was fine. I told myself I’m happy. Pretended I was happy. And yet it was there, nibbling at my mind, and I ignored it by drowning myself with stupid things. I lied. I’m not healing. It’s as strong as ever, and I hate it. I hate everything about it. I hate this whole stupid world and all it’s lies.

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One Response to “Lies”

  1. Dear Rose,

    My heart aches for you and how I wish I could take away your pain.

    I have been thinking a lot about Kelly’s birthday as well. Wondering how will I feel. Ever since she turned 13 I have so looked forward to that day.

    I know I can’t understand the depth of the pain you feel. I miss Kelly every day, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her.

    I talk to people about how I feel and most think I should be over it by now and I am not. I have days as well when I feel like I am healing and then something will happen to open the feelings I am hiding and I feel the pain and after a while it will recede again.

    Laura is in California this week and she went to Disneyland. That brought back a flood of wonderful memories from our trip with Kelly in 2001 and also unlocked some tears.

    A friend of mine describes this process as two steps forward, three steps backward.

    One of things I am trying to do is to count my blessings and I count knowing you as one of my greatest blessings.

    Keeping you close to my heart and praying for you.

    Love,
    Ross

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